After an amazing weekend full of fun, creative expression, and friendship, I’m in full “splash down” mode. The rocket, having ascended to the highest of heights, now does what it must do in a no-spaceport and no anti-gravity world – end its journey with a plunge into cold water.
Tonight I had a terrible experience dealing with a local restaurant “Lucky 7 Chinese” and whereas bad customer service is always annoying, this incident stuck with me for hours. Ren questioned me about why I think the effects of the conflict lasted so long. I had no answer for her and I still don’t fully have an answer as to why, but I’m recognizing that I typically go through a kind of crash whenever our trips end, especially the music jams. I typically go into a malaise the night of our return and after I’ve unloaded the car. And it seems that the more emotionally open I was and the greater the depth of feeling I experienced during the trip, the more intense that malaise is.
After employing some various forms of attitudinal adjustment, I realized the only cure for my “splash down” that had a real chance for success was to engage in creative expression, with some real emotional risk to it and some depth. So that’s why I’m writing this now.
The good news is that it is working. My anger and malaise is starting to lift as I tap this out on my keyboard. Connecting with my higher self seems to have left my lower self with less of a reason to hang on to it’s very immediate sense of fairness. Perspective has been forced.
The more painful news is the wake up call that I’m not and haven’t been living with my channel open. I’ve spent most of the time in my life, preparing to open my channel, to finally come out with my expression. All that supposed preparation has done nothing to further finding my own unique voice and certainly has taken crucial time away from my honing my craft. That was evident this weekend as I sang in a performance with a fellow musician at the Second Life Mid-Atlantic Jam. I sang a James Taylor song while the other musician accompanied me on guitar. It felt good at the time and after the performance I got lots of compliments on my singing. But later, while watching the video, I realized that he was actually good at what he was doing. He was an accomplished musician and while I’m decent, I’m certainly not an accomplished singer or musician.
I look at his life and the way he lives it and I can see that he lives keeping his channel open. He and others like him, make their lives as close to their ideal vision as they can, working in other responsibilities and jobs in order to support that life. I have been much more highly focused on responsibilities and other jobs and then squeezing in as much creative time as I could around the edges.
That must change.
Now the balance in terms of time spent on one versus the other may not end up being all that different in the end, but what will make the difference is my attitude and approach. If I wake up with the thought, “I am an artist and I will do what it takes to create today” and work in other responsibilities as necessary, then I am living the life of an artist right then and there. I can’t let fear stop me any more.
There’s really no point in waiting any longer to live as an artist. In art, the prep is the work.
I’ve been given gifts. I must recognize this truth and respect the gifts, not squander them.